Rambling Like A Wanderer...

I'm frustrated beyond belief with myself right now. I have so much work to do, I don't even want to think about it. I have all my tasks written down in a nice and organized manner, but can I summon up the energy to do any of it? Nope. Not at all. I feel so down with languages right now, and I'm fairly sure of the root cause...

At the moment, I'm studying four languages: Japanese (self-study, one year), Mandarin Chinese (private classes, several weeks), Spanish (school, goodness knows how long for) and... Korean. My newest addition to the bunch. Actually, that's not entirely true. Officially, I wanted to start Chinese and Korean at the same time, and did to begin with. I dabbled in a few core phrases in each for a while, then decided I couldn't imagine ever mastering the tones of Chinese by myself, so signed myself up for expensive classes which steal up my Saturday. But it's fine, it's good, I enjoy it, and feel I'm making progress. I've passed the starting block, whereas in Korean I simply haven't.


When I first decided that it was time to pick up a couple of new languages on top of my other two, I has a little enthusiasm. I love the idea of being proficient in them, Korean especially because so few people seem to want to learn it (which I can't understand. South Korea, at least, is such an amazing country. Equal to Japan in my ratings, anyway) But that's where the problem lays, I think. I want the proficiency, but my oh-so-lazy and non-linguistic brain in yelling that it doesn't want the work. I'm only at the 'getting there' stage in Japanese, and my Spanish could do with so much more attention than I give it, why in heck's name am I adding more?

Okay. I'm not going to turn this post into a self-psychological assesment. I'm crazy. Enough said. Anyway, back onto my Korean. I'm fairly sure I know what my problem is, why I can't pick up any of my (now fairly numerous) textbooks without cringing. It's quite simply, it seems just like starting Japanese all over again. Hangul's taking me back to when I was learning hiragana and katakana, and the word order is very similar (both SOV languages) and that just... seems to knock me backwards. I don't seem to be able to bring myself to go through all that work, tear-inducing frustration, anger, and impatience with myself again. This time without the naive, new-to-language-learning enthusiasm I floated along on for the first couple of crucial months of my Japanese study. It was so SIMPLE then.

Back in those days (yeah, an entire year ago, actually) learning a language to me was a simple matter. I saw it as nothing worse than, if you know the words, you'll do fine. Easy. Fluency is achievable just as long as you follow the textbook religiously, and make sure you have every word and phrase learnt by heart. Now, looking on this, of course, it's way off the mark. Little did I know then how important complex grammar, perfect prounounciation, and the ability to effortlessly converse in the target language would be. I just thought it would be like making a necklace - methodically thread on bead after bead, and after a time, you'd have a perfectly pretty necklace. I never knew there'd be ups and downs. Days where I would prefer to have my head run over by a shinkansen than to form sentences about them. So that was my mindset in Japanese for the first two months or so. All that time, I think almost without fail, I put in exactly two hours a night, pouring over a tourist-y type book that I would never even glance twice at when buying language books nowadays. Yeah, I didn't learn as much as I could have done in that time, because of both my materials and my approach. But you know what? I wouldn't change it. Those months allowed me a comfortable, slow-paced entrance into a foreign language, and inspired me to continue my study up to the point that, right now, I have every intention of studying the language at university.

Now, did I have a point to that charming anecdote in terms of taking on a new language? I think so. It's almost accepted by everyone that once you've learnt a language, you're going to find it easier to pick up your next one. Pretty logical, huh? You know how it works, what works for you, and what series of books are the best, and which are just overpriced phrasebooks. Now, later on in my study of Korean, I'm sure I'll find my quite intense study of Japanese very helpful, but right now, I feel it's holding me back. I can't replicate what I had back when I started Japanese. I can't get that innocent ignorance back. I'm only too aware now that it doesn't matter a damn if I put in 3 or 4 hours of study a day in. At the beginning of my study, it's unavoidably going to turn out that a a good 70 or 80% of that time will end up being wasted, by me using an approach that doesn't work in Korean, or by mistakes which I won't learn from very fast. Nowadays, I couldn't bring myself to buy a book for travellers for under £10 in Waterstones (although that's hypothetical, seeing as barely any shops stock anything Korean...) and expect anything from that. I couldn't have the belief in my heart of hearts that that will bring me any great deal closer to my goal of fluency in Korean as it's actually spoken.

I know this only too well from my first Japanese book, which looking back on it, was so very wrong, and could easily have just been translated word for word English-Japanese, but... I really resent it. I resent the fact I can't go back to that, and do it all over again, only this time with Korean No, my introduction didn't teach me any great amount of what I know now. Of the 200 or so words from the book, perhaps only 5 or 6 have proved useful or frequently used. But, and I know this sounds like a cliche, it taught me to love the language, and I think this is very hard to get from the scary, intimidating, studious looking textbooks you're faced with as a beginner. I first started Japanese because of a love of Japan, but now I love the language, quite apart from the country itself.

So yes, I think I've made my point. My point being... my language learning skills have become too honed. I'm a snob now, I know what's the best, and I want it, even though I know that it's now doing more harm than good.

I'll leave it there for today, as I'm exhausted (don't see why, I've hardly thrown myself whole-heartedly into my languages this evening...) but I hope to post some more positive updates soon.

Mother is moaning again. Once again about the 'unfairness' of life. Seriously, she'll claim to have low self-confidence, but dear God she'd ego-centric sometimes. Yes, so what if that young, unqualified woman at work had got a Mercedes, and you've got a Renault. Does it really matter? I mean, honestly. There are bigger things in the world. Not that she doesn't worry about them too. She worries about starving children in 3rd world countries. Starts moaning about obese people in Western countries, then. Umm, moaning won't change anything, Mum. You want things changed, get out there and do it. Nothing stopping you.

Other than that... 3 day weekend! Yes! Not done a lot today, even though I meant to get through tons of language stuff (ended up doing none, actually) I've watched and episode of some J-drama I can't even remember the name of... that's good. It's about a teacher who falls in love with her student, apparently. Could be good, methinks.

I have SUCH bad writers block at the moment. Grrrr. I've got fanfic to write, dammit, but I can't think of anything. I need to update my Yuki/Machi fanfic, it's a group of one-shots, but I'm SO uninspired. Prompts are doing nothing. I've started some pieces, and seem to give up within a few paragraphs. It's awful, and makes me feel depressed. I NEED TO WRITE SOMETHING, PLZ!THX

I'm on a diet. Yes. God, today I sucked though. I must have had more than 1500 calories. It's just stupid. I don't want any more than 1000. I want to take up exercise, too. I even 'fixed' my exercise bike. Burned something like 150 (pathetic, I know) calories on that. Then it broke, again. Beyond repair, by the looks of things. Now what? Lol. The only sport/exercise I can honestly say I enjoy is swimming, but I can't do that for so many reasons. 1. I won't be seen dead in a swimming costume. 2. My make-up will run. 3. My hair will be a total mess. 4. My hair dye is not waterproof. 5. I don't know what colour chlorine will turn my hair. 6. There aren't any close by swiming baths.
What other exercise is there? Running - I don't want to be trekking the streets, and around here, you'd spend most of your time jogging on the spot to cross the congested roads. Cycling - I don't have a bike that's the right size. Skateboarding - I try, I really do, but I'm just so damn bad at it. Am I just being uninventive here, there must be something, but I'm damned if I can think of it.

Anyway, off exercise, back to diet. I want to lose a lot of weight, please. I'm currently like 8 stone 12. My BMI's almost 21. I don't like it. At all. I have rolls of fat around my stomach when I sit down. I was happy with my weight, like, a few months ago. I was just under 8 stone. BMI was 18/19. But then my stupid periods started playing up, and after the doctor infered I had an eating disorder, I had to try to get my weight up. SO I started snacking again. And it's out of control now. Grrrrr. I want to be thin.

I'm gonna go now xxx

I'm so bloody pissed right now. (so that's why I'm posting. Imagien if I posted when I was in a good mood. That'd just be stupid, right?)
Long story time:

Yesterday I had an extra hour after school. Now, that's fine, I was all set to just walk home by myself, no problem. However, the teacher I was having it with seemed to feel obliged to drop me home. I didn't want this, number 1 'cos I felt really bad about making her go so far out of her way. Number 2, well, what do you chat with a teacher about for 15 minutes in a car? It would have been awkward. So, I solved her feeling of obligation by telling her that my mum would come pick me up (I had tried insisting I could walk, but too much would have been rude) so that was sorted... so my idiotic self thought. The friend I usually grab a lift from with her family at the last minute had an extra hour too. However, she had been there when I'd told this teacher that my mum was picking me up. I could have told her in private then that it had been a lie, but what was the point? Surely it was just easier for me to go with the original plan of claiming that my mum was picking me up, and to start walking home myself. With a little insistence, this was fine. Sorted. No problem. It could have so easily been left at that. I told my mum when I got home (I was feeling guilty for lying by this point XD) what I had said, in case this friend's mum brought it up offhand. She knew, everything was fine.That could so easily have been the end of it. Apparently fucking not.

This morning, my nan (who had obviously been told about the incident from my mum) came out to my friend's car, and the single thing she told to them (which was fucking hilarious, of course)? She told them that I had lied, and that my mum didn't come to pick me up at all. Which was fucking moritfying. What in fuck's name is wrong with the stupid woman? Seriously. Did it not register in her ridiculous brain that when you've lied to someone (a perfectly white lie), that you don't go fucking telling them about it the next day? Fuck I've never hated her quite so much as this moment. It was bloody agonizing having to explain to them what had happened. I'm serious. I really don't think I can love my nan. Everything about her goes against everythign that is me. >:( So yes, pissed much?

Onto lighter topics: I had an afternoon of poetry this afternoon which was really good. I'm officially falling for poetry, yes please :D I <3 DH Lawrence's atm, and have ordered this little book of poems/story things by Tim Burton off ebay that looks simply amazing. But yeah, it was my old english teacher that took the poetry class and it's just amazing how much he loves English (also, Bob Dylan, he included Subterranean Homesick Blues in his presentation, which is just beyond amazing) He's one of those teachers that really makes you love their subject :D He even cried in one of the poems. That's how deeply he cares, about it, which is just cool.

Talking of English, atm I'm still slogging through 1984. I don't know... it's easy to read, it just doesn't have a great profound effect of me. It looks like Orwell just designed the whole thing so that everything by 1984 would be bad. I think it would be better if there were still some good things around, contrasting with the bad? I don't know. I also don't really like the character of Winston, but I'll admit I'm only about 50 pages in, so maybe I'm judging too fast.

& Now I want to go read poetry. Yes. Before I start revising for the Spanish oral I have tomorrow that I'm going to fail horribly. Hooray :D

I haven't posted in here in a while. Maybe at the very start of the Easter holidays last? I don't know. It seems a long time though. Nothing much has changed. My Japanese study is currently on hiatus as I do my exams, but all systems go again once they're over, and I've failed them all. To be honest, at the moment, I couldn't give a bloody damn what I get in my exams, I just want to leave, and move onto college. I've got all my hopes pinned on not feeling like such a freak once I'm in mainstream education.

I'm so sick of being me. I want, at college, to be an entirely different person, but I don't even know how to do that. Today was fucking awful, which is what prompted me to post (why do I only post when I feel bad?) One of my teacher was working with me on target setting. 'Personal targets' have always been something of a sensitive area with me. This teacher pointed out that I should do it about my social skills, in fact, get some. Apparently I can't converse at all, and used to pretend that I wasn't there. Fuck. & apparently I'm slightly more confident now, but could stand to learn to socialize. To do that, apparently, what I need is more confidence. Yes. Because you sitting there telling me about all the things wrong with my personality really gives my confidence that much needed boost, yes? So, after going in feeling pretty happy, I came out feeling absolute shite. I was soothing myself in my head, so I wouldn't become openly emotional about it, by reminding myself that I can kill myself whenever, I don't need to carry on being THIS. It seems a ridiculously attractive thought right now. This morning I was proud of myself, I realised I hadn't pulled any hair at all the day before. After coming out of school today, the first thing I did was take about 5 eyelashes from each eye, so the bald spots can grow even more. Well fucking hooray! Fuck, I wish I self harmed or something that made me feel anything better right now.

I'm also resolute on moving somewhere, anywhere, to a place where being quiet is seen as a virtue. Because in this fuck ass country, apparently it's the most grievous sin you can commit. This teacher was talking to my friend about her learning difficulties, and it's obvious he thought it shouldn't impact her life to much, and she was still a great person for it. But for me, my social difficulties, well, they're all self-inflicted, yes? & quite probably the worst kind of difficulties I could have.
 
Obviously, he's just got to learn, I'm a fuck up, tainting the purity of the human race.

Anyway, about my hair, it's dyed now! (Have I said that already?) It's pink. Yes. Pink. Burgundy, no, not at all. It looks absolute fucking crap. I want to shave it off. Now, please. I just hate it. I look even more idiotic than bloody usual.

And that's all, apart from my writing. I've been writing loads of late. It's good. It's a sanctuary from the crapness of my actual life. Fantasy is a lot better than my real life is ever going to be. Mainly, I've been playing around in the Fruits Basket fandom. Ritsu/Mitsuru, Yuki/Machi, Machi/Momiji, Mayu/Hatori, that kind of thing. I love fanfiction, simply because my original work is never going to be good enough that people will waste their time and energy reading it.

Oh, writing is not all, also, music! I'm in love with many bands. I discovered the wonder that is Blondie yesterday. I'm in love, yes? Also, Cyndi Lauper, is kind of amazing, though pretty pop-esque.

I READ PRIDE & PREJUDICE! Is it wrong to feminism if I say I think I would have survived better in that kind of environment? Maybe... maybe not the dresses or balls and stuff, but those girls, they just knew where their lives were going, and that was the end of that... Actually, I'd probably hate it, but the security of the set-up has appeal without a doubt. But about P&P: Mr Bingley = awesome. Totally pwns Mr Darcy. Yes. He and Jane are sweet too.

Now I'm reading 1984, which is okay so far, not sure how scary it's gonna be though, seeing as 1984 has long gone. Still seems good though.

I really really want 'The Melancholy Death Of Oyster Boy' (or something to that effect) by Tim Burton. It's little poems with pictures, and it's just so Tim Burton, I love it. *wants* I also want some quotes book by Lemony Snicket, which looks like it's made of awesome. I just love that guy so much. He's probably the funniest writer I've ever read. *has depressing sense of humour*

And now, I'm going to stick pins in my eyes or bleach down my throat to make myself a better person. Good.

I'm baaaack. It seems a long time o__0 I guess I've just been busy. Although it's the Easter holidays (yay, another week to go!), somehow I'm more piled under with work, than usual. Mainly Spanish. I have an exam a week after I go back, the Spanish oral. Verrryy concerned. I'm going to fail so bad, I just know it. I NEED a C. (seeing as that's the highest I can get, seeing as I got entered into the Foundation Short Course... I wouldn't mind if only I'd been put into the long course. It's exactlt the same thing, just with more vocab to learn, which isn't really a big deal... but that's beside the point) I know that even if I manage (miraculously) Cs in both Spanish and French, it won't be enough, but it's better than nothing. I want to leave my options opening, and for studying an Asian language at degree level in the future, it's preferred, apparently, if you have an A-Level in a foreign language... I'm not going to get that. I would totally be up for taking up a new language, don't get me wrong, the college I'm going to offers both German and Urdu at A-Level, but both want beforehand knowlege of the language, which I do not have :( Succkkkksss. So yeah, study study study, all day long (yeah, right, like I haven't been distracted a million times) I'm also incredibly uneasy with myself seeing as I haven't done any Japanese in 2 weeks, and I really want to, but I just cannot motivate myself to do like 6 hours of Spanish, and then be settled enough to do a further two hours of Japanese. It's really bad though. I glanced over my kanji at about two am one morning, and it was like... 'Okay, I spent MONTHS learning this stuff, why the heck can I not, all of a sudden, remember any of it?' *bangs head against brick wall... hard*

Other than studying today, I went skateboarding. Which I still suck old skool at. Seriously. I haven't mastered anything yet. I'm too scared of breaking something. :P Ah well, I shan't give up just yet.

I've also been totally into my writing. Hooray! I love it when I get that itch to just WRITE, it's fabulous. At the moment, I have some characters I really like, but I'm kind of slogging through having to do character questionnaires with them, which is just boring. I'd prefer to just get onto the story, but there we go. Oh, talking of writing, did I post that I was going to do Scriptfrenzy this month? Well, I managaged three pages. Yep. I don't know what happened. I wasn't prepared, I guess, and i don't love the format of playwriting. Maybe I'll just stick to Nano. Looking forward to Novemeber already. But on my fanfic front, I'm doing well! I've posted new parts to all three of my fics on fanfiction.net. I particularly love my Ritsu/Mitsuru ficcage. Aww. I wrote about her discovering him to be the monkey of the zodiac. I liked writing it, even if it turns out nobody likes reading it (R/M shippers are few and far between :() I get to write their first kiss next, which'll send my fangirl heart all a flutter :D I'm also newly inspired by my obtaining FB 22 hardcopy (the Singaporean version. It's in English, and all volumes have been released over ther, so I get the next and last volume, 23, ((even though I was convinced 22 was the last volume, for some reason...)) faster than August the whatever crazy date that TokyoPop is offering. In your face, slow English manga providers! *loves them really*)

I have a list as long as my arm of bands I want to check out (longer, I think). I've been trying out new bands all holidays, and it's been fun. I'm kind of sick of forcing myself to listen to music I don't really have any passion for, so I'm not going to force metal into my ears anymore. I'm sorry. Maybe I'm just not hardcore enough to appreciate it. :( At leastg no-one can say I didn't give it a go. And I'm not being a poser, now :D My favourite band (I think) of the ones I've just found, is Biffy Clyro. I've known of them for ages, but never really got round to listening to them. They were the support act at a concert a friend went to, and she came back complaining about how scruffy they were, and awful. (we have different opinions on what men look best... she likes neat, masculine, bulging muscles and skinhead haircut... I like feminine, long-haired ((shoulders or longer being optimum)), scruffy, and rustic looking. Yay.) But yes, Biffy Clyro, despite her claims, actually rather rock socks (does anyone say that anymore?) Their cover of that irritating 'Umbrella' song is just... amazing. J'adore it now :D &&&&& the best part? There's three of them. Two of them are twins (still not decided whether they're identical, or whether they're just similiar looking). &, better than that even, they're GINGER twins! Duuuude <3<3<3 that = best.thing.ever!

Did I post in here that I had finnnallly done my hair? Yes. Bleached it (that was a disaster from the very beginning... my eyes hurt so darn much during that, and the smell was rather horrible) I looked totally weird blonde all over :D & then I put 'Divine Wine' over it. Serious. False. Advertisement. I, personally, although it may just be my thorough ignorance to the world, have never seen wine THIS:  
Kind of colour, but maybe that's just me >:( Seriously not impressed. If they want to sell dye that colour, awesome, amazing, I may even buy it at some point, if I ever have the desire for fuschia hair, but I wanted burgundy. Dude, that's like... not in any way burgundy. At the park today, I was mortally offended to hear some little girl say 'Oh look, that girl has pink hair'. Manic Panic you have betrayed my trust :( lol, I'd still get more dyes from them though, it's an okay colour. Though neexxxtttm I want to try:

Fishbowl! It's one I considered before, because it washed out easily. It turns kinda greyish, but I like it enough that I'm willing to give it a go. (As someone who doesn't usually like blue, it must be a good colour) &&& it's made by SFX, so mew mew style, mew mew grace, mew mew power in your face Manic Panic! (where the effing hell did that come from?! :D)

Atm, I'm reading Pride And Prejudice (agaaiinnn??) Yes. I quite like it. I'm starting to actually feel something for the characters (wow). Jane is such a sweetheart, and she and Mr. Bingley are total soulmates (he's a sweetie, too). Elizabeth, I didn't like her to start with, until she threw this kind of composed hissy fit where she proclaimed that the only good type of men are stupid ones, and I started to think, 'Dude, this chick got styllllle' lol :D & Mr Darcy. Who could forget him? I can't say I'm in love with him (yet, anyway) but I do kinda feel bad for him, that everyone's ganged up on him, when it's so obvious that Wickham is a liiaaarrrr. (so I Saw Bridget Jones first, so the story is given away slightly. Sue me :D)

I finished watching Boys Before Flowers (the Korean version of Hana Yori Dango. Speaking of HYD, the movie suuuuckked, no kidding. Soujiroh/Yuuki had one ridiculous scene where he ran away from her, and it's like saying 'sorry, Y/S shippers, it's just a totally one-sided girly infatuation, nothing more to it than that. You're delusional if you think there is.' So screw them, 'cos I still <3 the pair together. Maybe I will write fanfic for them sometime...) But yeah, BBF, verrryyy good methinks. I didn't like Gu Jun Pyo and Jan Di as much as Makino and Domyouji, but there we go. The plot, though overall the same, the episodes were very different to HYD, so made it more interesting I guess. But the important part is Ga Eul and Yi Jung. Can we say EEEEE :P <3. Seriously. I didn't really like them to begin with, they didn't seem nearly as awesome as Soujiroh and Yuuki, but then I got used to them, and though they certainly weren't the same as S/Y, they have charms all of their own, which is probably a good thing :P & their relationship was much more two sided. He even goes in to kiss her in one episode. (awwwwwww) & the last episode, where he comes back to her, 'the first person I'll seek out'. What a load of mushy yummy huggable fuzzy stuff. WHY COULD THERE NOT HAVE BEEN YUUKI?SOUJIROH LOVEAGE LIKE THAT? :( Mean people who wrote HYD.  But yes, that's my squeeing done, for now.

No.1 Ladies Detective Agency is on now, which I do rather like. Grace is just... amazing. Such an awesomely original character, I love her. I'm determined to read the books when I get a chance. I also, unrelatedly, really want to read Pride & Predjudice & Zombies. Which is out now, I discovered yesterday. Will have to get it as soon as possible, definitely. What fine literature wouldn't be vastly improved with the addition of zombies, right? ;P I'm going to start adding random graphics to the end of my posts, btw, for the fun of it,.



Dude, it's the  DANCE, DANCE, DANCE REVOLUTION!!!

I really can't deal with my mum, at all. She's so darn emotional! Seriously, today's her birthday. so I want to make sure she had a good day, but nothing doing apparently. She wanted to talk to me about her problems, and asked if I minded listening. I'm really sorry, but she insists on this a lot. I don't think I ever talk with her deeply about my problems, but she's happy to laden them on me. Depress me for the day, with how inadequete she feels, and how bad her childhood was, and she slags of my nan a lot. I admit, I don't really get on with my nana, but that doesn't mean I want to hear her slag her off either. Then my mum goes on about how 'similar' we are, and that's how I understand her problems. Dear God I hope I'm not like her. I don't want to be like my parents, but she's insistent that's the way to be if you want to grow up healthy and confident. What a load of bullshit. She always makes it sound like her and me have the most in common, and my brother and my dad had the most in common. Not true. I understood my dad, and found him much easier to get on with, than her. Grr. She's just had a go at me now, inspiring this post, because she was moving a bookcase and I happened to mention she had a lot of bibles. I admit, I dislike how religious she, and the rest of my family is. I jokingly, and slightly meanly, told her it'd be easier if she threw some of the twenty-odd of the things away. Not nice from me, I'd admit. Then she just lost it with me, started being mean about HP :( lol, I know, I brought it on myself, but seriously, she just irritates me so much. She's very much fitted herself into the 'victim' role, as if everything bad in life happens exclusively to her, and she's the exception. & it's like, we're her children, but that's somehow our fault? I dunno, but she's too much for me to deal with.

I don't have a lot else to post, my weekend has been boring, but I got an inset day Friday, so three day weekend, yay!

My nan was saying yesterday that I get to pick holiday destination this year. This means nothing, and in the end I won't be the one picking. I'm only really interested in places compeltely different from home, and all these are a long way away and very expensive, so we'll prbably just end up going to Europe :( Maybe I'll find somewhere which on visiting will coincide with a Jrock band touring Europe? lol, hope so :D

Anyway, it just thundered :D Yay! Signing out xx

I have bald spots on my eyelashes :( It's really not good. & my eyebrows too are getting pretty thin on the ground. I self diagnose myself with trichotillomania, it's more than just a habit as my mum says, it's a bloody compulsion. & the worst part? I enjoy it. It feels really good, and I love seeing the little white nib at the root of the hair. Lol, that sounds so weird written down, but it's true. & I think at the moment I'm preferring to pull my eyebrow hair. It's longer. Dark, long eyebrow hair between my fingers gives me a thrill. I love it, and I just know what a freak that makes me seem. I can't even say the whole process is calming, it's just something I feel compelled to do. Sometimes I convince myself that it's because, especially with my eyelashes, one is out of place and will therefore fall into my eye anyway, so might as well save myself the pain and just pull it out. Then another. And another. Mascara just makes it ten times worse, and more pleasurable. It makes the hairs easier to grip onto, and therefore easier to pull. The other day I even put mascara on my arm hairs, so I could see if it felt as good to pull them out. Unfortunately, it didn't. It hardly matters if I'm bald on my arms or legs, but apparently my stupid brain isn't happy with that, I think it must get pleasure out of me humiliating myself because I'll have no eyelashes or eyebrows :(

I cannot wait to leave my school now. The people there are such pricks, in general. Today, during lunch, they were making fun of my friend. Three boys, J, A and the boy who used to like me but doesn't appear to anymore (thank friggin' god) They called her a toff, told her she looks down on people (she doesn't, at least not any more than the bloody lowlives deserve) and J went as far as to actually call her ugly. I mean, for fuck's sake, you asshole, who the hell do you think you are? He had no reason to say it, he's just a real lowlife of a person, in fact, all three of them are. The boy who used to like me, I'll be damned if I'm not going to say something to him about it. He seems to think we're friends, so as a FRIEND I feel justifed in demanding to know why the hell he didn't step in and tell his stupid bastards of friends to back off, and why I believe he joined in a little bit. Loser. It's not a big mystery though, it's because he's bloody weak. I don't need friends like him. Friends should look out for each and stand up for each other and he just doesn't do that, because he's scared of his loser other friends abandoning him. Screw him then. I hope I stood up for my friend today enough. I didn't want to start an argument with them, because they're definitely not worth it, but I definitely did not stay silent on the matter, in which I am rather proud of myself, I stuck by my morals even though I don't know they guys too well, and stood up for what is right. Go me! But yeah, those losers are just wankers, so I'm not wasting any more of my typing time on them.

I'm sad right now because I want to go and see Girugamesh :( Lol, I know I said I didn't enjoy Antic Cafe the other day, but that's maybe because I went with my mum, and she definitely didn't enjoy herself, which rubbed off on me. So I want to go see Girugamesh, but I don't know anyone who'll come with me :( Seriously, anyone..? lol, I've gotta get myself some Jrock loving friends, for real :D They're playing in the same place as An Cafe, and it's on a Saturday so it's bloody perfect timing, but I'd have to go alone, and I'm not brave enough for that yet...

I've got a day off tomorrow! Hooray! 3 day weekend! There's a staff training day, so I get the day off thank you very much. I intend to spend the whole day watching movies and anime. No, actually, I like for serious need to catch up with my Japanese, Spanish and French which I haven't done all week (I don't think I'll take up Korean and Chinese until after my Spanish and French exams are over and I can drop the languages) Did I post in here that I somehow need to get an A-level in a foreign language? Yeah, for Japanese at degree level (which I don't know I want to do, but hypothetically speaking) I have no bloody idea how I'm gonna manage that. To get onto the course I was looking at, you need 4 A levels, AAAB I think it was, so I'd need to get at least a B in a foreign language... I'm currently predicted a G in the short course GCSEs of Spanish and French. Darnnnn, I don't know how this is going to work out... I guess I'll have to do a language as an extra sometime...

But yeah, signing out xxx

I'm so sick of being so damn socially inept :( I need to write this out now, so I might be able to get it off my mind before I go to the concert. This girl at school drove past me, with her mum, while I was walking home. They asked if I wanted a lift to the bus stop, and I said 'No, thanks, I'm alright'. God, how rude was that? Why didn't I just take the bloody lift? It makes it sound like I couldn't even bare to be in the same for a matter of seconds :( & when I'm with my other friend, we give her a lift to the busstop then. I just feel like crap, and really regret not taking. I want to make friends, dammit, not make it seem like I can't be social to save my life (can I?)

So yeah, this was really quick, but I just wanted to get it off my mind. Antic Cafe isn't seeming so exciting now :(

Later -- So Antic Cafe was not so great :( I've discovered, my love for live music is limited. It hardly seemed worth it to trek up to London, wait in line for an hour surrounded by teenage fangirls decked out in tattoos and face stickers, then go in and not want to participate because I can't let myself go... Gosh, I know how sad it sounds, but I think I would have had more fun staying at home, reading a book, with An Cafe playing softly in the background :D Well, at least I tried it, and can now say with confidence that concerts aren't my thing, which is okay, doesn't mean I can't still love music. I must say though, I was struck rather profoundly by how fake the whole scene was. By thatg I mean the spectators and the band. I love Antic Cafe, I really do, but they're on stage banter was awful, sending love to London, saying how much fun they were having. It was just like watching an entertaining play :( Lol, the fangirls were rather amusing, I'm rather glad I'm not one of them tbh (first time I would have been ashamed of being a fangirl), in the queue we had a few Jrock Elitists behind us, it seems.

'Most of these people are probably only new fans. Us though, we've been with them the whole time.' So that makes you BETTER people, obviously? Lol, they then started singing loudly in Japanese. Hurrah. It worries me slightly how popular Japan is though. I don't like to follow the crowd, I don't want to be in love with the same as every teenage girl. I guess I should research more into Korea? It's not as popular, but it's still pretty cool. Or maybe just REAL Japanese culture, screw manga and anime, I mean kimono and tea ceremony ;P I do love to be different.

Anyways, I'm exhausted, so bath then bed methinks.

It's the 23rd of March today. Tomorrow is the 24th of March. EEEEK! Antic Cafe -- in LONDON <3<3 I'm going to see them *dance in circles* But yes, I am mucho excitido! Though I think it's a non-seated concert, so I won't be at the fron or anything, and may not even be able to see them, that's most obviously not the point. I'll be in the same building as the amazing band that made me fall in love with Jrock <3<3 Love them so much, so I'm very glad that my first concert ever ever ever is going to be going to see them. La la la!

School was a boring load of crap. I really can't stand ignorant, bullying people. Everyone seems to be having a go at this boy that has Asperges, and it's like, 'fuck off, you losers' (I didn't actually say that, but in my head I thought it most loudly) I mean, the way some of them act, they're really not in a position to make fun of anyone else. Grrr. People are mean by default, I think. But yeah, I'm looking forward to being able to leave (though I don't know if college is going to be all that much better. It's kind of situated right in the middle of a very working class poor area, so I can't get my hopes up too much)

Lol, I watched this movie the other day, called Hard Candy (duuude, Ellen Page<3) and it's about pedophilia (I laughed at the way Americans pronounce it, because I'm coool enough to be English, and we're blatantly right. It's not 'peh-doh-fyle', it's 'pee-doh-fyle' duuuh :D) But yes, it was really funny especially because Hayleigh says to the guy, when he claims they're connected (they chatted over the internet beforehand), she says something like 'Every time I mentioned some really obscure artist or movie, you knew everything about it, but not for a few minutes. Unfortunately, when talking about Goldfrapp, you used exactly the same words as Amazon.com. Busted.' I lol'd in a kind of freaked out manner. My longest online friend, J (I think I've posted my love for him before, which has recently depleted a lot) he does almost exactly the same thing. I know he's 20-something, and he's never asked for pics particularly, so I'm not particularly worried, but he does that same annoying thing, claiming he knows what I'm talking about so we'll be 'soulmates'. Duuude, for serious, I'd have to be stupid to believe you. Though, I'll admit, I was slow and genuinely did believe we had a lot in common until fairly recently, when I happened to mention Shutter, a really odd Thai movie, and he'd seen it apparently, & that's like... really unlikely, it's not a big Asian movie, and it's not got good reviews or anything. I only stumbled on it on the off-chance. Anyway, so I went on, about The Dollmaker. The actual title is The Dollmaster. Dialogue went about as follows:

Me: I watched The Dollmaster recently, that was creepy.
J: I've seen that.
Me: Really? I thought it was a pretty obscure movie. I'm pretty sure it's the only Indonesian movie I've ever seen. (it's actually Korean, fairly obviously so)
J: Now you come to mention it, me too.
Me: I still get nightmares about that little boy, y'know, the one with the eyes that sort of glowed. (Nothing remotely similar to this is in the real film)
J: Me too. I think that bit really sticks with you.

In Hayleigh's words, busted! No, for serious, I really hate people who agree with me on everything, it's boring. If you haven't seen it, don't pretend you have! If you didn't like my favourite movie ever, I'm not gonna suddenly block you because 'OMGHATEYOUSOMUCH' Duuuuh!

I don't think I've got a lot else to report. I'm trying to get over my medical phobia with watching a bunch of videos on youtube. Ewww, some of them almost made me fainy. Especially this one of army cadets training by putting in IV lines or something, and this guy totally cocks up, and his friend starts bleeding a lot and almost instantaneously this humungous lump swells up in the spot, and it's just... uhhh! I can feel my fingers tingling at the thought of it now :D

Anywho, signing out, dude

I haven't had a good day :( It started fine, normal Wednesday morning lessons. Went downhill in Maths. My stomach really hurt for a couple of minutes, then went okay for a while, then back. I thought I was going to have to run to the toilet :( But the peak was in Science. We were doing gamma rays and all that jazz, and so they were talking about Xrays and stuff, which was okay I think, I don't think it was that that affected me, but I started to feel REALLY hot, like seriously. My stomach was really hurting, and I was sure I was going to be sick, which are the usal symptoms  get before I faint, minus the starnge sensation in my ears, so I didn't think I was goign to faint, but had to go out anyway. I was so embarrased, seriously. It's like... I'm always having to leave science lessons because I feel ill (usually faint) it's just getting ridiculous now. So I felt completely stupid and ashamed, so whenever anyone tried to talk to me I sounded really choked up, like I was about to cry, which I assume they presumed was because I can't deal with feeling a little under the weather. uhhh, it sucks. I wish I didn't cry so bloody easily too. I don't really cry when I'm sad, only when I'm : embarrased, scared, ashamed, and sometimes when I'm angry. I (thank God) didn't actually cry, but I felt like it. Stupid me. So this incident has knocked my confidence again, just when I was trying to gain some by telling myself that I shouldn't feel ashamed of myself. Well, I was wrong, because I should be :(

I'm not vegan anymore. Nope. I feel weak for giving in eventually on that too. I just need the moral push to make me stick with it, but I haven't found a lot, except on bloody PETA which spews a lot of emotionally-manipulative bullshit. I really dislike that charity, although I won't deny some of their work is good, they really are what people accuse veggies/vegans of being: bullies who think they have the moral highground (which we TOTALLY do :P) but they just make us look so stupid. Renaming fish sea-kittens? Excuse me? lol, but my main issue with them is their position on pit-bulls, which can basically be summed up as: KILL THEM ALL! They're an animal rights organisation that promotes the slaughter of innocent animals. Whoopee! Who shall I address my cheque to?

So I want new clothes! (I'm not shallow...) I'm totally going to cut all my old clothes to shreds otherwise. i have not bought a new piece of clothing in months. I can honestly say that there is nothing in the shops where I live that I would consider wearing (except really average stuff like jeans) so I need to order off the internet, but  always feels guilty using my mum's card, so I'm going to have to arrange to getg my own, and hopefully I will then be able to purchase to my hearts content! Yay! (Not that I want millions of- Well, no, actually I do) I'd just like to own more than my current inventory of about 3 t-shirts and 4 pairs of very old jeans, and my single pair of Primark boots which I don't want to wear anymore because of my hatred for Primark's moral standards.

I have a study area! How cool is that! I sure do know how to have fun! But yeah, I get distracted in my room, so I've not designated a desk in the garage where all my language stuff is. I am now (hopefully) studying: Spanish, French, Japanese, Chinese and Korean. If I do them all every night (which is looking rather unlikely...) then that'll be six hours a night (I do two hours of Japanese currently, as Kanji needs a whole seperate hour) So, if my calculations are correct, I will have an hour and a half to myself within school, studying and going to bed. Hooray! Life is good o__0

I've found a new love/obsession. Hana Yori Dango. O.M.G. <3<3 It's based on a manga series, and I originally intended to watch the anime, but I came across the drama series first, and I saw it had Matsumoto Jun in it, so naturally I was sold. It's faaabbbbulllooousss. I want Rui so hard :P Also, Tsukasa (Jun<3), but I love Rui as a character more. He's the strong and silent type. It somewhat saddens me that my heart is so easily swayed by a character that is such a stereotype of what women are meant to like, but he is just fabulous. And adorable, too. Bless his cotton socks, he stayed with Tsukushi when she was in hospital, all night holding her hand. They just don't make guys like that in the realy world :( But yeah, I watched the whole of series one on Saturday (I did manage to get a bit of skating in, too, though. I learnt to turn... at least in one direction.) and now I'm working my way through season 2, which is pretty darn awesome too. Random note: Whatever Tsukasa seems to think, Shigeru is made of awesome!

Oh, I'm now set to do two AS levels at college next year, which is cool. I get away from where I am now. Yay! I'm really really really hoping that college will be a lot better than school ever was, and show me that schools' not an accurate representation of the real world.

& now my stomach hurts again, so I'm gonna sign off now. Sayonara xx

I haven't posted anything in here in what seems like weeks...

& I still haven't dyed my hair! *cries in shame* I'm a wimp, dammit! I've got the dye, haven't got the bleach, and have shakily pencilled in that I'm going to do it at the start of the Easter holidays. So I have two weeks in which to adjust to life as a non-blonde. I'm still not sure whether it's going to come out more red or purple... I'm hoping on red because it's lighter, so that may soften the blow of the drastic change just a little.

I had an okay day, I guess. Not a lot happened. Got slightly pissed with my friend on the way to school. I don't know... it frustrates me that she never seems to have an independent thought. She scoffs at my music, finds it amusing, because it's not Rihanna, Usher or whooever, but a relative of hers was in the car, with ipod linked up to the radio, playing AC/DC, Bon Jovi and whatever (not exactly my music, but whatever) and she's going on about how fabulous they are. Because that's what this relative and her boyfriend both like. & they mean more to her than I do, or ever will. So yeah, the double standards = not impressed. Not that I'm expecting her to ever fall in love with my 'funny Chinese music' as she so nicely put it, refering to my Japanese rock :( But that's not all that happened. We came onto the subject of immigration. 'They're taking out jobs!' 'They're stealing our benefits!' Fuuuck, do you even KNOW how ignorant you sound? Parroting the mass media does not make you sound 'in the know'. It's just stupid, and plain fucking wrong. I didn't argue though, I'm more than perfectly aware that there's no point. I might as well fight with a brick wall. They enjoy their ignorance, means they don't have to think too deeply about why England is such a shithole. Big suprise! When it comes down to it, I think they'll find that the good ol' British natives are more at the source of the problem. Rule Britannia! God, ignorance makes me want to either stab them or stab myself. It'd be fine if they wanted to know the truth, but they don't. They're always very happy to live in their happy little bubbles of crap and lies forcefed to them everyday by the media. Is it mean to mutter 'mediocre minds' and roll my eyes?

So yes, that was my annoyance of today. I'm coming to identify myself as Hetero-Romantic Asexual :) I quite enjoy the label. It's a nice mouthful. Not that anyone outside of my family even knows about my sexuality, but it's happy anyway :)

My reward jars are pitifully low :( Japanese jar: to pay for music. Spanish/French jar: to pay for piercing jewellery. I've messed around a bit with the rewards :D

Signing out.

I feel I haven't posted for a while... last week just before my college interview I think. That went okay. I got offered the place. Isn't fabulous, but I'm definitely going to consider it. I may be doing Sociology AS next year it seems...

Life's been pretty uneventful (why I haven't posted) I haven't worked much lately. I've done roundabouts 2 hours of Japanese tonight, but haven't worked at all in the past week. I now have rewards for working hard though, which is fun! I have jars which I put a set amount of small change into every time I've done the work required. Then, with this money, and only this money, I can (for Japanese) buy Hello Kitty stuff! So my collection can grow! So, of course, since I set this new rule for myself I've seen loads and loads of fabulous Hello Kitty stuff which I definitely would have bought otherwise. Every shop seems to have something beautifully Hello Kitty :( && finishing a Japanese book is even better! It means I can buy a Jrock album, which is something I don't do as much as I should. And everyday I seem to be finding a new Jrock band I love, so it'll definitely come in useful.

I really need to work on my French and Spanish, too (tests start in May... ehhh!!) So I've got the same jar rule. Only it's manga buying that is now limited to the jar. At present, it's empty (I have manga to read so I'm unmotivated...) but I swear it'll soon my filled to the brim! (yeah...) Rewards for exam passes are numerous and fabulous though: An anime boxset, a French music album, a Spanish music album (it seems appropriate) and best of all, a bridge piercing if I pass French, and another cartilage (or other part of the ear) if I pass Spanish. YAY! Better get working...


I think I actually adore an online friend. Not in a creepy way, I mean, he's like in his 20s, but he is just NICE. We have conversations about anime, manga, music, books, just everyday stuff. He has never asked my bra size. He does not ask for pics. He doesn't pressure me for webcam. I genuinely think I would get on with him if he lived, as he puts it 'the other side of the pond'. So yeah, although he will (almost definitely) never read this blog entry, this is going out to you, dude. Thanks for totally restoring my faith in online peeps. I'd hug you if I could :D

I still haven't sorted out my music lessons :( Or bought a violin. I swear I will, I have the money in the bank (I'm pretty sure that's meant to be for my education...) so it's just a matter of buying it I guess. I need to work on my guitar too, because I'm not sure I'm going to be able to afford lessons on that too, and apparently violin is harder. I'm hoping violin might help me a tad with guitar :D

I'm going to dye my hair at the weekend! I am. Definitely. I'm resolved. I've ordered the hairdye and everything. I shall be brave, this is my first HUGE dye job.
 <---- from this (this photo is most definitely not me...)                               <-- to this (also not me)

I'm rather excited. I'm going to have to bleach first, of course, though. I'm scared of what people are going to say, even if it's nice. That's weird :D lol, I just wish people wouldn't mention it at all. I hate being the centre of attention. I will not lose my resolve, though. not after I've paid lots of my should-be-for-the-violin money on hairdye. & still need to buy the bleach :P

I'm really not happy right now. I have done my Japanese for about 5 days now, and tonight I set to it, discover I'm doing the wrong page, almost fall asleep, lack any motivation whatsoever, and end up getting sidetracked flicking through the Yellow Pages. So I've given up for the night. I'm tired as hell. I'm still not better. I keep having really ugly coughing fits that make me feel like I'm suffocating, so I'm not gonna beat myself up too bad for letting myself off. I really do need to get back into it soon though...

At the moment, I'm really worried (what else is new?). Tomorrow I've got my college interview that I don't want to go to. I should have just said 'No' when it was suggested, I don't like being a year ahead, what's the point? I'd far prefer to just stick with school completely until the end of year 11, and then make a clean break to college. I'm hoping they won't offer me a place. But anyway, that's not what's really bothering me. What I don't like is that I have to go in a car with a teacher. It'll probably be a fifteen minute drive, but it's just gonna be so damn awkward! I won't know what to say, and she's not really really talkative. I cannot make small talk with adults. Fact. I'm bad with people my own age, but at least we're on a kind of balance, we can only say the same kind of stuff to each other. That doesn't exist with teachers. They're your more powerful superior. It's gonna be agonizing, I can just tell :( Dreading it, definitely.

Anyway, light notes! I'm looking into as many clubs and tuitions as I possibly can, to get myself out there. I want a violin tutor and a guitar tutor (expensive...) & I'd like to do something else too, but I don't know what. I was thinking martial arts, but then I looked on some sites, and the classes are all filled with pre-pubescent boys and I'm just like... no. :D Then I looked at language schools on the unlikely chance there would be Japanese. There wasn't. But there was Chinese! I'd like to learn Chinese at some point, but I kinda had fluency planned in both Japanese and Korean beforehand, so maybe not. Which reminds me, I still haven't progressed at all with my French or Spanish. I'm stupid :D Anyway, back to clubs, can you believe there's no such thing as a skateboarding tutor? That's stupid. I would love to learn, but i'll be damned if I'm gonna go to the park and get laughed out by a bunch of dudes. Actually, I'm not all that interested in skateboarding itself, I just think it'd be fun to be a skaterchick. I feel I'm too feminine, you see. Looking at this, it's probably a good thing I have so many things I want to do. I should should just go for it, and do ALL of them! (because, y'know, I'm reeaalllyy rich and everything :P) It'd be useful if I could get a job. But I can't. I don't think I could even get a paper round at this age. I'd like to work in some really indie shop on Saturdays, or a fairtrade Bohemian coffee house place where all the poets and creative people hang. I'm strange... :D But yeah, I'm gonna just GO for it I think, and start doing some stuff!

My love life! (I don't have or want one...) 'A' is back. Oh God No. Lol. I had a good conversation with him on msn, and so just naturally that obviously means he can go back to calling me 'babe' and acting like I'd have any interest in him. Umm, excuse me? Is this guy completely blind? Surely he must have noticed by now that I do not like him anywhere other than msn. Really. He is completely different on msn, I don't mean 'OMG, ROMEOHEREYOUARE!' wonderful, just an okay bloke to talk to. But in real life he sucks big style. He's crude, loud, and makes himself look stupid the whole time. Is it really pretentious to say I don't want to be associated with that? Completely. Anyway, we dont actually have anything in common. He is obsessed with Evanescence (well, was, he's moved onto ever-so-hardcore Linkin Park now) and seems to think I am to. I like Evanescence. I do. They're songs are cute, but that's as far as it goes. A mutual respect for an okay band is not enough for a relationship, sorry mate.

& I got a sort-of-complement today. In front of a teacher I may add 'I'm not coming onto you, but I swear you look fitter every day.' Uhh, thanks? I think? Lol, it sucks as a compliment,but it was quite nice to be reminded that yes, I could be attractive to people other than 'A'. He is not the only option I'm ever gonna have :D

Anyway, Holby is on soon, so I shall go now. I think relaxing in front of the tv may be good for me? Signing out xxx

So I just woke up, after having a really weird dream (and a couple of times half woke up because my hands had gone numb), But yeah. I was at... somewhere, not school, but all the school-y people seemed to be there. I was watching a movie with a little group, which my substitute English teacher was commenting on as we went. Then, for some reason, we all left before the movie ended, and went to some cafeteria/hall place, where we sat down around large tables. I was at a chair at the middle half of the table, and this girl from school came up and asked if she could sit where I was, so I said 'Sure.' and moved to the seat next to it. She said down and said 'Thanks for letting me sit here' and I responded 'No problem.'. A moment passed, and she said 'did... you say "no problem?". Without missing a beat, I said 'Yeah, I wasn't swearing profanities at you, don't worry.' and laughed... strangggee. & on the backs of the chairs where we sat there was vocab from certain languages, with no translations. I was sat at a chair that had Korean on the back. I think the chair said Korean on it. The words definitely weren't though. They were just stuff like 'Ftweezq' written in Roman characters :D But anyway, my history teacher came up to where I was with a group of people, and was like 'Oh, look at these [the backs of the chairs]. What languages are they?' I think at this moment I realized that the movie we'd been watching earlier was in a different language, and in fact all the movies were in foreign languages. 'Mine's Korean.' I told my teacher, 'but there seems to be French, Spanish and Italian, too.' (I found all this by looking around at vacant seats that helpfully had their respective language printed on them in English. I then looked down at my table, and when I looked up, I saw my History teacher mouthing to the other people in my group 'Know-It-All'. lol, I love it, in my dream I was really devastated by this, but it's pretty funny now. My History teacher absolutely adores people who know a lot. She seems to take ignorance as a personal offence.

So yeah, that was it, except some random subplot of some gardener (I think he was the guy from The Green, Green Grass...) hurting his back or something in my school's garden, and not being able to get up. I don't know what happened with that... he's probably still there :D

I report this dream not because I believe dreams mean anything, I just never remember my dreams, and this one was entertaining :P

So pretty much my only resolution this year, way back in January, was to read more. Have I done it? No. I planned for a book a week, and I've managed 3 books in total this year so far, not good. So, I thought I'd start reviewing the books I read so I get an idea of how much I actually do get through (not much).

New Moon
The second in the Stephenie Meyer saga, and my personal favourite. I know, I should hate the series, they've ruined the credibility of vampire fiction everywhere, but I guess... I think I heard someone describe it once fairly accurately: It's like a train-wreck. You desperately want to look away, but you're just so morbidly curious you can't bring yourself to do it. But yeah, I don't think this is quite relevant to this book, because it isn't so much of a sappy disaster as the others in the series. The development of the characters is good, and I found myself genuinely caring for some of them (not Bella or Edward though) Jacob and Bella's relationship in the book was rather fabulous, at least on Jacob's side. Bella was an utter bitch to him, but that's not all that surprising. But the best thing about this book? If you skip the first couple of chapters, and then the last couple, you will be forced to endure almost no Edward Cullen! HOORAY!

Best Point: Jacob & Bella's friendship
Worst Point: Edward didn't succeed in destroying himself :(
Favourite Character: Jacob
Least Favourite Character: Edward

Eclipse

The book that let us know that yes, the series was once again going downhill. Filled with besotted Bella, control-freak Edward and now-the-bad-guy Jacob. It wasn't fun. I couldn't even tell you what the main plot was, I don't remeber, even though I only read it a couple of weeks ago. I remember there was a tent on a mountain, a big battle in which nobody died, and Edward & Bella decided to get hitched. & being reminded every so often how feminist Bella really is by how much she's just not sure that she wants to get married at 18, even though her and Edward have the 'truest of true love'. LOLZ.

Favourite Point:

Worst Point:

Favourite Character:

Least Favourite Character:

Joint tie between: Edward/Bella. I also realized in this book just how annoying Alice is. She's kinda like Edward, but still in training to be so bloody controlling. & she's not funny. She tries too hard to be cute.JacobEdward and Bella. Everything about them.Jacob pissing Edward off with mindgames.

To Kill A Mockingbird

Always a pleasure to read, this is my second time. I don't think it had as much impact this time round, but I guess that's to be expected. I did get some themes from it this time though that I didn't pick up on last time, so it was definitely worth re-reading, and I'll probably do so again in a few years, and find even more stuff I'd missed. I think it's just one of those very multi-layered books. But yes, the characters are loveable, amazingly real, and the plot is astounding. I would recommend it to anyone. Actually, I think the government should pass a law that says everyone much read thsi book at least once in their lifetime. It could teach a lot of people a lot.
Favourite Point: When Boo Radley comes out. It's not made a huge deal of, and that makes it even more amazing, and it's extremely sweet when Scout refuses to lead him home, forcing him instead to escort her there. <3
Worst Point: Maybe too much description on the lives of the people in Maycomb. Some were very relevant and poigant, like Mrs. Dubose, but others seemed less so. Though it did of course set the scene and make the book deeper, so I don't know. Maybe there wasn't a wort point.
Favourite Character: I can't choose between Atticus Finch and Boo Radley. They're both amazing characters, even though Boo's scenes are extremely limited, and he has I think just one line(?) It's astounding how much of an impact he has despite that. And Atticus is just awesome on so many levels. So yeah. Unrelated, but in my head I picture Boo Radley to look a lot like Severus Snape :D
Least Favourite Character: Bob Ewell, naturally. And that's the way it's meant to be, he's the 'villain' and Harper Lee has done an amazing job at making him realistic AND completely hate-worthy.______________________________________________________________________________

Related Books I'd Like To Read:A House Of Night (series)

 

5 songs that mean a lot to you right now

Dream Catch Me - Newton Faulkner
Whoah, I never knew how fateful it would be wehn I was flicking through the music channels, and came across this amzing artist. Definitely my all time favourite muscian <3 This his probably his best know song, usually a turn-off for me, but who can blame the mass on this one? It's bloody fabulous (though not actually my favourite of his). This is the single only song that has made me cry. But at other times it's completely uplifting. So I can listen to it when I'm happy or depressed, and everywhere in between. Mark of an awesome song, that.

A Stream Of Conciousness

Because I'm sick and tired of the old questionnaire format for character development, I think it's about time to try something new. And with a whole set of new characters, too! So yeah, this is just write-write-write, don't stop for anything. It's gonna be like the inside of the characters head, what they're thinking and the like. Here goes:

Darren William Alliban

I didn't want to do it, I really didn't. It doesn't make me some Hannibal Lecter character, okay? Everyone else seems to have the right to surivive, it doesn't matter if they're black, white, Asian, whatever, but not me. Somehow I'm denied thatg right. Because of what? Because of something that was chosen for me before I was even born. Hardly just now is it? I didn't choose to replace Felicity's son. If I'd had the choise, I would have said no. I don't want to muck up anybody's life, I'm not like that. And why did I kill her? I know how much it messed up my 'sister', and I feel terrible, truly suicidal about that, but it was a 'kill or be killed' Battle Royale scenario. If Felicity had appealed, then I would have been a goner. They don't like it when the humans kick up a fuss, apparently, it's not worth the time and aggravation to fight back, so they usually try and locate the human's real kid, and be damned what happens to the Changeling. Where the Hell is the justice in that? I tried to be a good son, I really did, but I couldn't be, because she hated me. She always did. She always knew somethign wa sup with me, though I'm not totally sure when it first dawned on her that I wasn't really her son. She resented me, and wanted rid of me whatever. I don't think she ever bothered to even find out what I was like as a person. That's right. We lived together for 16 years, and she was still completely clueless about my personality and everything. Still, I can't say a lot about her. Not that's true, anyway. I don't know who the TRUE Felicity is. I think it may have been the seemingly kind and caring woman she was with Anna, her daughter, her true human daughter. But I am sorry, again, for Anna's sake. She loved her mother, I know that, even if I can't personally imagine why. I hope she's okay. I want to come back and see her again one day, but would she want to see me? We were really close, friends, which was unusual for siblings I think, but how could you forgive something like this, even if you do happen to be one of the most understanding and forgiving people on the planet, like Anna. She's probably already worked out in her mind a way thatg it wasn't my fault. God, I miss her. I wish I could see her, just to apologize, but that's hardly goikng to be possible. The police are probably still swarming like locuts not just around our house, but around the whole east end, the whole of London actually, by now. I can't believe how long it's been though. I was in a cafe the other day, eating meat (I can't digest anything else, it makes me violently ill) and I just caught sight of the calendar hung on the wall before I slipped out on the bill. Almost two months. I'd been on the run of almost two months. Wow. That's really something. Still, I'm likely to be on the run for prettyh much the rest of my life, so I could imagine that I'll have to get used to it.

Germany Michelle Ellis

I'm talking to A on msn right now, and we're getting on. Really well. We're getting on. Damn, I'm getting caught in that stupid 'relationship' thing again lol. The only place we get on is on msn, in real life, it just doesn't work. And he's such a prat with his friends. And I think ive overdosed on caffeine anyway, which doesnt help me make sure I'm bein rational. So yeah, DON@TE GET INVOLVED :D

Lol, but I'm happy enough right now. HALF TERM! Huzzah, at bloody last. I've got a ton of books to read, but I'm barely even started. I need to get moving, but I'm so damn l;azy.

This is also why I've not done any of the French and Spanish that desperately needs to be done! I have the real gcses, and if i don't get a C I'm killing myself, lol :D no, but I really want to get far above my crappy predicted G. And I will. I just need focus and motivation. I've got about a month to get it done... I want to shock the language teacher, just to show I can, and I'm not compeltely useless. So yes, aim fo this month: Gain near fluency in two languages thatg you only know bits and pieces of vocab in, at the same time as fitting in two hours of ANOTHER language a night. Easy, huh? I love nice, possible goals. You know what I should throw in? Korean and Mandarin, I've been wanting to learn them too. Could make a party out of it :P

But yeah, Valentines Day is over! It was Saturday this year, which is better than a week day by far, lol :D What dramatic things happened? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I watched horror movies.Best v-day ever. Lol. The Dollmaker (or master, or something) which was a Korean thing. Not scary, too much violence and fake blood. The girl who played Mina though was one of the prettiest girls I'd ever seen though. Umm, what else? Inside Senses or something (whyh don't I remember titles) The first Chinese movie I've ever seen (yes, I feel really ignorant) It was gorgeous, seriously.

I haven't got anything else to talk about :9 I just thought I should post, so I'm keeping future me updated. Au revoir, amigo :P

<P><table border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" style="font-family:arial, verdana"><tr><td colspan="2" align="center"><b><i><a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/surveys.php?s=1804" target="_blank" title="Experience Project-- Connecting People through Shared Experiences">50 Questions To Really Get To Know Someone</a></i></b></td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">1) Are you a morning or night person?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Mainly a night person. I don't get tired at night. It's also when I'm most creative.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">2) Which do you prefer, sweet or salty foods?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Salty. Like crisps and chips and stuff.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">3) Ninjas or pirates?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Duuude. Pirates. Obviously.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">4) Ninjas vs pirates, discuss.</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Ninjas are just like dudes who wear black and don't make much noise. Even I can do that. Whereas pirates are awesome, because they have patches, and ships, and treasure, and parrots. </td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">5) Autobots or Decepticons?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">I didn't understand the question, so I'll just summarize: Robots are cute.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">6) What was your favorite childhood television program?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Charlie & Lola. It wasn't around when I was kid, but it's just really rather fabulous.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">7) Are you a collector of anything?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">No :( I used to collect Beanie Babies. & I want to collect music now, but I'm too cheapskate to build a really awesome collection.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">8) If you could be any animal, what would you be?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">A tiger. Because... they're pretty. & people are scared of them. Rawr, dude.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">9) If you could have any superpower, what would it be?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Super-strength. I wouldn't want muscles. I'd want to be surprisingly strong, so people would look at me and be like 'Oh, she's just a chick', and then when I snapped off their arm in arm-wrestling... </td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">10) What is usually your first thought when you wake up?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Damnn... alreeaadddyyy??</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">11) What do you usually think about right before falling asleep?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">I hope there's a snow day tomorrow... so I can sleep in...</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">12) What's your favorite color?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Red. Passionate, right? :P (also, YUUUKIIII!!)</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">13) What's your favorite animal?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">I like wolves. Especially werewolves. </td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">14) Do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Nope. I think those X-Files 'I Believe' t-shirts are pretty snazzy though...</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">15) Do you believe in ghosts?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">In theory, no. I still get totally freaked out late at night, if I have to go get a glass of water or something though.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">16) Ever been addicted to a video/computer game? Which one(s)?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Sims 2. I used to be able to spend daaayys on that. Zoo Tycoon 2. I had a lemur farm :D Pokemon Sapphire. Animal Crossing: Wild World. </td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">17) You're given 1 million dollars, what do you spend it on?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">I would feel way to ashamed of myself if I didn't give most of it to charity :( But I'd like it to fund a never-ending backpacking adventure!</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">18) Have any bad habits?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">More than will fit into this space.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">19) Which bad habits, if any, drive you crazy?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Eating with your mouth open. Talking when your mouth is open. It's just... ewww.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">20) List 3 of your best personality traits:</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">High-morals, pretty caring, devoted</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">21) List 3 of your worst personality traits:</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Scaredy-cat, dis-trusting, stubborn</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">22) Have any celebrity crushes?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Teruki (An Cafe) Bi Rain, Matsumoto Jun. I only like guys who don't speak English :)</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">23) List 1 thing you wish you could change about yourself:</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">I wish I was braver. So I could do everything I've ever dreamed of.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">24) Any tattoos or piercings?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">2 piercings in each lobe, a troublesome tragus piercing, helix, and eyebrow. I want tattoos though.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">25) What's the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Their hair. It must be long (the longer the better) and hopefully not blonde.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">26) What personality traits do you look for in a partner?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Sweet, feminine, non-violent, moral, easy-going, pretty shy</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">27) What personality traits do you dislike in other people?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">loud, obnoxious, prejudiced, quick to anger, irrational, romantic, dramatic</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">28) Are you mostly a clean or messy person?Do you see yourself getting married in the next 5 years?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">No. I'm not getting married. Ever. For definite.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">29) Are you mostly a clean or messy person?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">I'm clean, but disorganized I'd say. I lose stuff a lot, but I wash my hands :D</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">30) If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Japan. South Korea. India. Almost anywhere in Asia, actually. Asian culture and values really appeal to me.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">31) If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">I want to see the WHOOLE world :D But to visit, I'd like to see Jamaica most I think. I don't think I'd want to live there though.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">32) List 5 goals on your life's to-do list:</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Learn at least one other language absolutely fluently. Be awesome at an instrument. Get a massive music collection. Go to live in another country. Find home.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">33) Name 1 regret you have:</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Not learning a lot about my father, or spending NEARLY enough time with him.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">34) Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid:</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Getting up at 6am in the morning to watch cartoons.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">35) Name 1 thing you love about being an adult:</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Independence.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">36) What's your favorite song of the moment?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Over the Hills and Far Away - Nightwish</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">37) What's your favorite song of all time?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">I couldn't say that. I just couldn't. There's about a million jump straight to mind. I love music too much.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">38) What's your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Read a really good book, that completely enchants me. While drinking bitter lemon <3</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">39) What's your favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Go somewhere relaxing, like the park, with just my i-pod <3 (only in summer though)</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">40) Have any hidden talents?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Not natural talents. I've taught myself quite a bit of Japanese. I'm proud of myself, but not so proud that I've told many people.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">41) You're about to walk the green mile, what do you have as your last meal?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Soya icecream, a ton of biscuits... ummm... mashed potatoe, and sweet potato <3 And SUSHI! (veggie, naturally) Who cares about calories when you're gonna die?</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">42) What would be your dream job?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Helping someone. Even if it's just one person or animal. I would die happy if I could do that. I'd also like to be a supreme guitarist in a misunderstood band :D</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">43) Which would you rather have, 100 million dollars or true love?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">... umm, the money, definitely! Sorry, love, but you're just not what makes the world turn round. 100 million really would mean I could help a tonne of people (hopefully!)</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">44) If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">To leave England, never to return. To be socially okay. To get to go around the world, not having to settle down until I want to.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">45) Ever wish you were born the opposite sex? If so, why?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Yeah! Every bloody month. (no pun, honest) Anyway, boys get away with most things I think. & I find boys easier to understand. What can I say, they're simpler beings?</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">46) Name 1 thing not many people know about you:</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">I'm really not placid. Not underneath the surface.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">47) If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">I want a name from another country! I really don't care where, just so long as a lot of people can't pronounce it!</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">48) Do you believe in the afterlife?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Nope. You die, That's it.</td></tr><tr><td valign="top" align="left">49) On the topic of abortion, how do you feel about cookies?</td><td align="left" style="font-weight:bold">Cookies suuuckkk, duudee! Find vegan cookies, and I'll love you.</td></tr><tr><td colspan="2" align="center"><a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/surveys.php?s=1804">Take this survey</a> | <a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/surveys.php">Create your own survey</a> | <a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/daily_survey.php" title="the Experience Project Daily Survey -- Always Interesting">Daily survey</a></td></tr><tr><td colspan="2" align="center"><a href="http://www.experienceproject.com" title="The Experience Project-- Connecting People through Shared Experience">Explore Thousands of Life Experiences</a>.</td></tr></table></p>

I'M GOING TO SEE ANTIC CAFE!!!!

My first concert & it's going to be the band that first made me fall in love with Japanese music. CANNOT wait <3 hyperly happy right now!  I'm going with mum on 24th March <3<3 I'm really looking forward to it, beyond all reason :P  I only went onto the ticket site because I was watching a Girugamesh video on Youtube, and someone happened to comment that they were going to see the band in London in May, so I, curious as I am, was like 'Jrock band in London? Must investigate.' I was considering idly whether I should go to that, when I noticed there was an even earlier booking for An Cafe. Squee! *happy dance*

***MIKUTERUKITAKUYAKANONYUUKI<3<3

Gonna be awesome :P